breathless

i am exhausted!!

i've just duplicated, sorted, labelled and filed away every single blog post i've ever written. although i didn't take the time to read through every post formally, i skimmed them all. what i got was a snapshot of the last 2+ years. and holy shit: drama drama drama!

reading it, in one big chunk like that, was a lot more overwhelming than living it. though of course, some of those moments also felt pretty fucking overwhelming...

i remember when a new lover read my blog. he was really testy when i saw him that night, and he finally revealed it was cuz he'd read my blog. he'd found it exhausting, tiresome, repetitive. he criticized the endless cycles that i seemed doomed to repeat again and again. (and he didn't want to be one of the endless stream of fellas who broke my heart. which is admirable and understandable, but total bullshit considering he went on to say some of the meanest things anyone's ever said to me, and to push me around - figuratively and literally. so of course, he joined the ranks of assholes and heartbreakers.)

but anyway, i have to agree that in one sitting, it's pretty draining. man, i don't do things half way, do i? i should put that on my resume...

and in addition to the weight of all those words, i got to relive all that wasn't written about. i know what was happening in those silent months a year ago, between raving about love and leaving toronto. i know what bullshit i was sifting through when i was stuttering through the summer. so many words left unposted for fear of retalliation from lovers or strangers, coupled with a desperate desire to stop talking, writing or thinking about it all.

i took a real shit kicking this year. and yes, of course i'm responsible for some of that. i made some really stupid decisions. again and again and again. but the spirit behind those decisions is something about me that i cherish, though it fucks me up every time. passion, a belief in love, a desire for something meaningful with another human. those are nice things... (i just keep falling for mad poet geniuses or supervain actors or conflicted sculptors. damn: enough of these artists!! next person i love is going to be a fucking accountant!!)

so i will not judge myself too harshly. i'll just keep working on ways to embrace that passion, while finding ways to protect myself. you know, not make quite as many stooopid decisions...

for now, i get to breathe again. it's all finally over. no more "soon." no more "temporary." i'm in vancouver, i've found work, i'm looking for a home. i'm going to have plants and maybe even a fish. something that will be a token of my born-again domesticity. a home! a future! a career, a life! so much to look forward to!

for the first time in 2 years, i feel clear-headed. it's incredible how much energy i was spending just coping in the name of "love." but now, that energy gets to be MINE again! i have a focus that comes not from some "him," not from longing, not from heartbreak, not from "love." it comes from me - my resurrected, and my new ideas.

stand back, 2007: here i come.